HeartBreaker

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Grabe, I am tired. Syet, I hate teaching FOS ... well, at least right now. We can never get a clear consensus. It's partly my fault for not reading stuff carefully.

I resolve to be a better teacher next semester.

¶ 4:07 PM

Sometimes I do wonder ... what if? People say that it's the worst feeling in the world. But if I did it, then I would also wonder what if? It really sounds crazy ... but I do know deep in my heart that it may not be the right time.

So now I'm wondering, is it really a question of timing? I always thought that if I wanted something badly, then I would throw all caution in the wind and just go for it. It's how I landed my current job - my passion: teaching.

If I settle down now, I know that it would only hold me back. And I am at a point in time when I want to fly.

Roydz posted Bright Lights on his blog ... funny, but John Mayer's Home Life seem to be hitting the right spot for me.

`~,`~,`~,`~,`~,`~,`~,`~,`~,

Home Life
John Mayer

Think I’m gonna stay home
Have myself a homelife
Sittin’ in the slow-mo
And listenin’ to the daylight
I am not a nomad
I am not a rocket man
I was born a house cat
By the SLIGHT of my mother’s hand
Think I’m gonna stay home

I want to live in the center of a circle
I want to live on the side of a square
I used to be in my "am to see now"
You’ll never find me ‘cause my name isn’t there

Homelife
I’m holding out for the homelife
My homelife

I wanna see the ending
I wanna learn a last name
Finish on a Friday
And sit in traffic on the highway

See I refuse to believe
That my life’s gonna be
Just some string of incompletes
Never to lead me to anything remotely close to a homelife
I’m holding out for a homelife
My homelife

I can tell you this MUCH, I will marry just once
And if it doesn’t work out, I’ll give her half of my stuff
It’s fine with me
We said eternity
I will go to my grave, with the LOVE that I gave
Not just a melody line on a radio wave
It dissipates
And soon evaporates
Homelife doesn’t change

I want to live in the center of a circle
I want to live on the side of a square
I’d love to WALK TO WHERE we both can talk
But I’ve got to leave it ‘cause my ride is here
And my homelife
You take a homelife
You keep a homelife
Come back for the homelife I promise
Homelife I promise
Life
Homelife
Homelife

`~,`~,`~,`~,`~,`~,`~,`~,`~,

¶ 8:23 AM

Sunday, October 19, 2003

I felt a certain high yesterday, while driving to Makati for Tina's birthday lunch. I passed by the Skyway to beat the traffic down below the SSH, and I went up to 160kph. It was the perfect driving situation - me and the road, with only a few cars around.

And I remember distinctly that there was one person I wanted to text - just to inform him of how fast I was driving. I used to text Joel for that - but then, we haven't been as close as we used to. I wanted to text Roydz. But I forced myself not to, lest he get the wrong idea.

Roydz is my best friend - and will always be my best friend. He was my constant movie date, my chatmate and my sounding board. It will never be the same after this. I will regret that the most.

I was listening to John Mayer this morning - there's nothing more pleasant than waking up to No Such Thing playing softly on my players; it reminds me too much about that trip to Baguio last year.

I listened to Neon, Great Indoors and Not Myself. Couldn't help but relate to it, especially the last song. I can't help but think sometimes that maybe he really is the one. But then, I realize, I'm not attracted to him in anyway. He's not what I need - I need to fly.

Neon
John Mayer

When sky blue gets dark enough
To see the colors of the city lights
A trail of ruby red and diamond white
Hits her like a sunrise

She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can

Tonight she's out to lose herself
And find a high on Peachtree Street
From mixed drinks to techno beats it's always
Heavy into everything

She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can
She comes and goes and no one knows
She's slipping through my hands

She's always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away

I can't be her angel now
You know it's not my place to hold her down
And it's hard for me to take a stand
When I would take her anyway I can

She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can
She comes and goes and no one knows
She's slipping through my hands

She's always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away

¶ 12:29 PM

Friday, October 17, 2003

There is a reason why the Friendship Zone should be kept sacred. It's difficult to be a friend with somebody you know is in love with you. There's a conflict of interests - it's difficult to be objective. You ge this paranoid feeling that people are questioning your every advice ... your every comment ... when that person is concerned. And that's not how friendships should be ...

It's Christmas, and I'm finding myself more afraid than excited. Because I don't know what's going to happen - if I'm going to lose my friends during the time before Christmas ... or if things will work out.

The sooner I get this done with, the better are my chances of spending Christmas with my friends.

Kim, work fast!

¶ 1:49 PM

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

This, too, shall pass. In the not-so-distant future, this dilemma will give me something to laugh about. I'm starting to see the funny side of all this - Skip and I are making a "script" for the "talk."

Man, if Skip is right, this is going to be a long talk. And I don't have the strength for one.

¶ 8:56 AM

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Roydz, I'm sorry for keeping you hanging, but I was trying to get the courage to say this. I have to be honest, even if I know that it will cause you pain. I don't feel the same way. I like you as a friend and I love you as a brother. Nothing more, nothing less.

Won't your feelings change? Why?

As I have said before, emotions are hard to explain. I just don't feel it. I hope you respect how I feel.

But why?

I don't know how to explain it ... but you're not it. You're not what I want. I'm sorry.

So what will happen next?

I don't know. But I think we both need space. We need to deal. I need to deal. I don't want to lose one of my best friends. I still want to be your friend - I still want you to be my friend.

I'm really sorry.

¶ 7:15 PM

He went to visit me this afternoon - more like dropped by. Probably to ask me about it. Thank goodness I was entertaining Angel - my colleague's daughter. Or else I wouldn't know what to do. The poor guy was preparing for a long exam - and I didn't have the heart to break his on his exam day! I didn't want to cause his failing an exam.

He did ask me how I felt. I merely said, "Let's talk next time." I hope he got the vibe - that it's bad news.

Man! This is getting worse everyday. I know I need to talk to him - but I just don't have the heart! I have been asking friends and mentors on how I can break the bad news to him, and I'm starting to get the courage to do so. But it won't be easy. And somehow, I feel that this will really try our friendship.

Expecting the worst ... hoping for the best ...

¶ 7:09 PM

So I can't say it in a letter. I really need to talk to the guy. I really need to have coffee with him or something. And I have to do it quick. The ball is in my court. What to do? What to do?!?

Why me? Why did it have to be me? I have 3 other girl friends who are smart and pretty, why me? I really am going to lose something here. I can feel it. Magwawatak-watak talaga kami.

My friends said I should be kind but firm. Shit! I really have to be mature about this. But it's so hard when it's a friend. Shit talaga! I really don't want to do it, but I need to tell him. Soon.

¶ 1:18 PM

Dear Roydz,

I don't know how to begin. But I know I owe you an explanation. I am writing this letter because I don't know how to face you at the moment. All I know is that I can't deal. I'm still not over the news - I knew it all along, but that doesn't seem to make much of a difference. I am still in shock, and I still don't know what to do.

You have always been my friend, and I imagine us growing old as friends. I don't feel the same way as you do. I like you as a friend, and I love you as a brother. Nothing more, nothing less. I didn't know how to tell you that, in person.

I know you've heard this speech before, and you've probably grown to hate it. But I have to say it because it's true. You are a great guy, and some girl out there will be lucky to have you. It's just that you aren't who I am looking for. And I am really sorry.

I don't want to cause people pain. And I am sorry for that, because I know I have caused you a lot - for keeping you hanging and not talking to you. But you knew how I was ... how I still am. I take comfort in escaping when things get weird. It's a flaw, it's hard to change.

I need time and space to deal. It's just too weird. And I really don't know how to fix this. But this isn't goodbye. I still need to know that you'll still be a friend, inspite of what I've done.

I am really sorry.

Kim

¶ 10:28 AM

Monday, October 13, 2003

My friends know! Oh no ... I am marked. I will never get the courage to have them meet a guy I'm dating ... ever.

Now, we're in the awkward stage. We're not making pansin. This is real limbo. I feel uncomfortable. I guess he feels the same way. But what can I do? I don't want to talk to him. I don't have anything to say! Well, except for I don't like you the same way.

And then what? He's going to ask me why? I just don't. Period. Do I need to explain why?

Oh gosh, my friends! They're going to hate me. But then again, they'll understand. They know that I'm not into relationships - not at the moment. And even if I were, he is just a friend - a brother. And whether I like it or not, a crying shoulder when times call for it. Gosh, I've become somebody I don't want to be. I was only supposed to be the girl bestfriend, not a potential girlfriend! I knew it! I knew it! Girls and guys can never have a strictly platonic relationship. Something is bound to go funny and weird! Why can't I just have a gay bestfriend?!

I know I'm being selfish. Only thinking about myself. But then, this calls for survival! *sigh* (I should remind myself now that it isn't the end of the world. Your guy bestfriend falling for you isn't exactly the end of the world ... except if that means losing him ... and all of your friends.)

So, now what Kim? Are you going to leave the both of you hanging, or are you going to face your fears?

Shit ... what's going to happen next?

¶ 10:05 AM

Sunday, October 12, 2003

I went to Divisoria yesterday to go gift shopping for Christmas. Discovered building filled with toy stores selling cheap finds! It was jackpot, felt like I was inside Santa Claus' toy factory. Spent only about a P1000 for tons of toys!

¶ 12:51 PM

Friday, October 10, 2003

Cold rain, hot sun
during one Indian Summer
It goes by contraries, like dreams
The old case of action and reaction
... and nothing in between.

¶ 7:41 PM

Just enjoying my new blog. Can't wait for that long road trip by the end of the month. Su-weeeeeettt!

¶ 6:55 PM

New blog. I can't deal. I always feel the need to runaway. My old blog has been found out. Let it serve as a smokescreeen for all I care. I need anonimity. No more censorship. From this day on, this will be my no-holds barred blog.

I'm going to break somebody else's heart. It's not my fault, is it? I just don't feel the same way. And why did he have to read my blog? Why did he have to spring it up on me like that? He is a friend. He should have known better. There is such a thing as a Friendship Zone. That is sacred ground to me. You can only get in ... you can't get out! You stay put.

So now, I'm in a bind. He says we should talk. I don't think I can. I don't have anything to say. If it were up to me, I'd rather forget everything happened. I'd rather FORGET. But that isn't fair. I know, I should treat a friend better ...

... but I could also say that when he decided to cross that line, he stopped being my friend.

I know I'm being selfish. But that's just me.

¶ 2:06 PM