HeartBreaker

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

He got it ...

He finally got it. Now, it's all a matter of telling him myself - face to face. I have two weeks to tell him.

There's no easy way to break somebody's heart ...

¶ 8:04 AM

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Strike while the iron is hot ...

Dear Kim,

It's now or never. The way I see it, you have a lot of options open to you. You can work for Tita Sally - if only you just ask her if she has anything to offer to you. You can ask Tita Hilda for a job in Canada - you know that she works in a Canadian University, right? Why not work there? Or you could wait a year and then apply for a degree in a Australian university.

You have lived in the same house for last 20 years of your life. You have only studied in two institutions: Sacred Heart School and UA&P. You're still with UA&P! You surround yourself with the same people who you've known for a long time.

You say you want to fly ... what's stopping you? Why don't you fly? I have never known you to be a scaredy cat. You have always been a go-getter. You never really used to care about the risks - so long as you do what you want. You took up economics even if you weren't clear about what kind of job you will end up with. Remember what Papa said?

Anong mangyayari sa iyo? Researcher? Teacher?

It's a funny anecdote. You never really wanted to be a teacher because of the low pay. But you became one ... because you really wanted to be one.

Now you're having doubts. Well, not really doubts. You feel insecure. You feel that you have regressed ... deteriorated. You feel like you are not learning. And you've always said you'll be a student - a learner - all of your life.

Now is the chance. You're still young, you still have the will ... you can do it! If you just try to leave the ground and try it out.

Shoot for the stars!

Think about it, Kim ... think about it.

Sincerely,
traces of your old self

¶ 8:31 AM

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Market Research ...

... that's what I want to do. I want to do surveys and make marketing plans. I have people skills, and I enjoyed doing my survey back in college.

Why am I so afraid to do something about it?

¶ 3:09 PM

When your blog gets found out ...

Why didn't that register? My original blog got discovered a few months back - and has been read a few times already by a friend - probably certain friends. Blogger has already issued provisions should blogs be discovered - one of which is a change in address.

I could do that ... I could very well do that. It occurred to me just now. But I find it funny that even if I can change my blog's addy, I am reticent to do so. There is something about having my blog read - and having it acknowledge by somebody I know. Don't get me wrong, though. I am not a narcissist, and I didn't publish my blog for everybody to read it. I wanted to keep a diary - an online diary was more convenient for me ... I'm a faster typer than I am a transcriber.

So what now? Do I change my addy? The answer seems to be ... NO. Let him read it ... may it be my medium for expressing my feelings. The blog is actually censored - as I tend to be even in my diary. I know, it's funny ... and weird ... and probably unhealthy. But the thought of being found out is scary ... and my blog did get found out. So, all along, I was right.

Question is, will this blog get found out?

¶ 8:08 AM

Monday, November 17, 2003

What do you want to be, Kim?

must be a quarter-life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul
...
Either way I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life
...
Am I living it right?

I don't know. For once in my life, I don't know what I want. I have always prided myself in knowing what I want - it's what I am good at. But suddenly, I woke up and I didn't know. It was so much easier when I was younger. I knew then that I wanted to be somebody - and it was so clear what that "somebody" was. I just don't know.

All my friends are doing something they enjoy - I don't seem to enjoy what I am doing at this moment. I love teaching - believe me, I do. But I am not sure if I plan on teaching the fundamentals of economics for the rest of my life. Is this all there is to it?

What I am sure of is that I want to study and work abroad. I want to ... but how that all fits in the scheme of things - I don't know. I am starting to question whether or not I will be using what I have learned - whether going abroad will be a waste of time ... and money.

My dad said he will finance my education. I was so overwhelmed when he told me that - I just couldn't believe it. A second before, I was contemplating on the possibility that I may not be able to afford to study abroad.

... but now, I'm still contemplating on whether I should go - or if it will be a terrible waste of resources.

My dad asked me what I wanted to become. It was the first time that I uttered, "Hindi ko alam." I sincerely don't know ... and I don't know who to ask for guidance. I really don't know what to do.

*sigh* Will I do things right?

¶ 12:51 PM

Friday, November 14, 2003

I am doomed. I have another preliminary paper due on Wednesday, and I have no idea what to do. Classes start on Monday, and I don't think I am ready for it. *sigh*

¶ 2:23 PM

Monday, November 03, 2003

It's funny how one piece of news can change everything. Just this morning, I was thinking about how mature my brother has become. He seems more like the Kuya.

But then I received a text from his wife telling me that he once had an "affair" with my cousin. Whoa. I didn't know what to say. It's just too ... weird.

¶ 2:55 PM